Once Upon the Going Merry
by xDissonance
Summary: The Strawhats, in various fairy tales by the Grimm Brothers. Slightly read: very cracky. Various pairings, if you want to see it that way.
1. Dirt Brown and the Seven Dugongs

**Title:** Dirt Brown and the Seven Dugongs**  
Rating:** K+ for...swearing, sort of.**  
****Pairings:** None…maybe Sanji/Usopp, considering the roles.**  
Summary:** Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, OP style! **  
Notes:** No racial slurs, racism, or anything offensive meant. It's humor, and really. Usopp's skin is brown to begin with, and if I changed it to white, I think that'd be more of a racial slur, no? Also, I'm terribly sorry if they come over a little OOC. I tried to keep them in character, but in order to progress with the story, sometimes they slipped.

**Disclaimer:** One Piece and this particular version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves belong to Eiichiro Oda and the Brothers Grimm respectively. Nothing is mine, except maybe the horrendous twists I may or may not put into the story.

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Once upon a time, there was a queen by the name of Luffy. Gentle was she, and with a voracious appetite. She gave birth to a little daughter named Usopp. Her skin was as brown as the dirt on the ground, plump lips as thick as one's pinkie, and a nose as long as the pine trees were tall.

However, Queen Luffy soon became bored of married life and decided to embark on a grand adventure to find One Piece, a rumoured treasure. King Robin, relieved at her departure, quickly took on a new queen. The new queen was proud and cruel and beautiful, and being something of an engineer, had a wondrous magic automotive mirror she looked into every day. She only had one question to ask of it.

"Chopper-bro, how SUUPERR am I this week?"

Chopper would always giggle and reply, "Of course, very super, Queen Franky."

Queen Franky took no notice of the years as they passed. One day, she once again asked Chopper, "Chopper-bro, how SUUPERR am I this week?"

Chopper giggled and replied, "Queen Franky, you're still very super! But Princess Usopp is EPICALLY SUPER!"

In rage and envy, Queen Franky summoned one of her huntsmen.

"Brook! You are to take Usopp into the forest and kill her! Bring her heart back to me so I may know you have completed the deed!"

"Yohohoho, very well! But first, may I see your panties?"

The huntsman took the princess deep into the forest and drew his sword, telling her she must die. Just as he was raising his sword however, Usopp reached into a small pocket and flung something in his face.

"Tokusei Tabasco Boshi!" she cried, and fled from him. Brook, loathe to go back empty-handed (for there were panties to be seen if he succeeded!) caught and killed a wild boar and presented its heart to the wicked queen.

The forest appeared dark and terrible to Usopp, and just approaching it, she could feel her 'I-can't-go-into-forests-or-I'll-die' disease welling up. But she forged ahead, using her arsenal of ketchup and smoke screen stars. Soon, night fell and exhaustion nipped at the heels of the princess. Usopp stumbled forward blindly; "I will probably die in this forest," she told herself.

"Do not fear! Surely there is civilization just beyond those trees, Usopp-kun!" Sogehime berated. Taking another step, she pushed forward, and suddenly found herself in a large clearing with a cottage in it. The cottage was neat and tidy, with a table set with seven plates, seven mugs (one was oddly large), and a basket of bread. Usopp was so hungry that he ate all the bread, and fell asleep on one of the seven beds lining the wall.

The cottage belonged to a group of Kung-fu Dugongs, who went off every day to go exercise and practice by a stream. Upon returning that day, they stared in shock at Usopp, lying asleep on one of their beds. "Who in the hell?" they asked.

When Usopp woke up, and found seven Kung-fu Dugongs staring at her, she was frightened. "I am the Princess Usopp! I have 8000 men waiting outside at my call, so you better run away while you can!"

"We just came from outside," the eldest Dugong stated flatly. "And since you ate our food, you need to pay for it! It shouldn't be a problem, right, _Princess_?"

"A…ah? My wicked stepmother…"

"Oh? You can't?" Nami said sweetly. "Then you can stay here and take care of us, wash our clothes, and cook our meals until you've repaid your debt."

And so Usopp became their housekeeper. He soon grew to realize the odd quirks of the Kung-fu Dugongs. They awoke and left at sunrise, not returning until evening, at which point the youngest Dugong, Zoro, would consume mug after mug of ale. Nami would hole up in a corner and calculate their supplies.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Queen Franky had realized that Usopp was still alive. In a rage, she lashed out and destroyed half the palace with a vindictive Coup de Vent. She went immediately to a secret room below ground and used her skills to modify herself into an old peddler woman and took with her a basket of interesting devices into the forest.

When she came to the Dugongs' cottage, she invited Usopp to experiment with some of the devices. Once Usopp had turned her attention to the gadgets, the queen used Strong Hammer to hit her on the head so hard, she immediately fell limp as if dead.

That day, the Dugongs returned early, and rushed over upon seeing Usopp lying on the ground. Nami reached out and slapped Usopp several times. Soon, Usopp had recovered from the blow (albeit a bit puffy in the face).

"That peddler woman was the wicked queen," Nami said. "Stay away from her! You can't go back until you fully repay your debt! Also, I'm adding on another 10,000 beli for letting that witch into our house."

Queen Franky was livid when she found out Usopp was still alive. "What amazing resilience! This time I will succeed!" She quickly prepared a golden apple, filling one half with deadly poison. She took it out to the cottage, crying out, "The Golden Apple of Immortality! One bite will lend you a lifetime! Two bites will lend you immortality!" When Queen Franky saw Usopp leaning out the window, interest lighting up his eyes, she held up the apple.

"Oh no, I couldn't," Usopp protested. "Nami would kill me for spending so much."

"Then catch!" shouted the engineer. "I will take a bite myself to show you it is safe!" She bit into the half that did not contain the poison. Usopp caught the apple, took a bite, and instantly fell to the floor. Sure that Usopp was now dead, Queen Franky returned to the palace, congratulating himself by periodically posing and yelling, "SUUPERR!!"

That night, the seven Dugongs returned and found Usopp lying seemingly dead on the floor.

"Oh no," Nami cried. "Who's going to pay back the debt now?"

"Bill the palace," the youngest Dugong, Zoro, suggested. "Send her back with a letter and a bill."

"Moron! Where would we find such a large container?" Nami snapped.

"Cut her up into pieces," Zoro grunted.

It just so happened that a handsome young prince came riding by at that moment. He saw Nami arguing heatedly with Zoro and instantly strode over to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head. "Don't yell at a lady like that!" He spotted Usopp. "And what is the matter with this young lady?"

"She's de—fuck!" Zoro scowled at Nami, rubbing the spot where her foot had violently made contact with his leg. Nami quickly stepped in front of Zoro and told Sanji of Usopp's situation, fibbing about the debt.

"Aah. What misfortune!" Sanji swept Usopp up bridal style, and handed her to one of his men. "I shall take her back to my kingdom with me, and repay her debt for her. Nothing is too great for a lady!"

As his men lifted Usopp onto a horse, one of them stumbled, and the piece of poisonous apple lodged in Usopp's throat fell out of her mouth. She opened her eyes and shrieked.

"Villain! Witch! Tamago Bo-bo-sh-sh-shii…eh?" Usopp paused in her flailing. "She's…not here?"

Overjoyed, Sanji told her of his love for her. And his solution to her problems. The very next day, they left for his kingdom, and they lived happily ever after.

When Queen Franky heard about the wedding, she exploded in a large Coup de Boo and was never seen again.

Brook was quite happy to see (somewhat charred) panties falling from the sky.

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Comments, suggestions, reviews much appreciated. :D Next up is _Semsi Mountain_.


	2. Nami Mountain

**Title:** Nami Mountain**  
Rating:** T**  
Fandom:** One Piece**  
Pairings:** None. If you REALLY want, you can see it as Zoro/Brook.**  
Summary:** In which Zoro finds gold, Franky gets greedy for it, and Nami's not human.**  
Disclaimer:** One Piece and Semsi Mountain belong to Eiichiro Oda and the Brothers Grimm respectively. Nothing is mine, except maybe the horrendous twists I may or may not put into the story.

**A/N:** Bwaahh, you guys are awesome -- thanks so much for the reviews :'DD (I'm not crying!) I've changed the rating to T due to swearing from Zoro and...well, now Sanji. XD

For this fairytale, I'm so sorry for the terrible OOCness. I've tried to keep them as in-character as possible. It's all randomized – I numbered each character, randomized the numbers, and plugged them in according to which fairytale character appears first. So…please bear with it. 8D (I gave some thought to not posting this due to OOCness, but that would defeat the purpose of my randomizing, haha)

Enjoy!

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Once upon a time, there were two brothers who lived in the same village. Their names were Zoro and Franky. One was rich – Franky – and the other poor; Zoro was so poor he could barely afford to feed his wife and himself.

One day, Zoro was in the forest gathering firewood. As he turned the bend to his house, he encountered a high rocky mountain he had never seen before. The sight of it puzzled Zoro – why would his house suddenly move without him? Catching sight of twelve wild looking men heading his way, Zoro decided to climb a tree to observe the men (and hope they knew where his house had run off to).

To his surprise, the men marched right up to the mountain face. The leader shouted, "Open up, Nami-swan! I have returned!" The mountain opened, and the men trooped inside. Zoro raised a brow (who in the hell was Nami?). The men soon came back out, heavy sacks slung over their shoulders. The leader cried, "Shut yourself, Nami-swan! I am leaving!" Once again, the mountain heeded his words and closed. The leader crooned and stroked and thanked the mountain before moving off. Now, Zoro approached the mountain face.

"Creeper," he muttered. "Oi, open up, Nami!" he said. He was sure it wouldn't work, but he was loath to use any of the other words the curly-browed, blond man had used. The mountain opened, to his surprise, and Zoro stepped inside (why the mountain was named Nami was beyond him).

What met his eyes was not his house, but pots and chests filled to the brim with gold and rubies and diamonds. Realizing he could use this gold to purchase a new house and food, he filled his pockets with the gold. Knowing he would take some time to get back to his house (the time it took him to get home always changed for some reason), he filled his pockets quickly. Once finished, he said, "Open up, Nami!" and the mountain opened. He stepped outside and tossed back a 'Close up, Nami,' before striding off.

His wife was overjoyed at the news. "Yohohoho, Zoro! Now I can afford new panties!"

"Just keep this a secret," Zoro warned. "If Franky finds out, he will take it all to use it on his Battle Frankys."

Soon, Zoro and Brook moved into a larger, new house. They ate well, and Brook began to collect fine, silk panties. But the gold was soon used up, and at Brook's urging Zoro headed into the forest again, wandering aimlessly in hopes of coming across Nami Mountain again.

It wasn't before long that Franky noticed the change in Zoro's fortunes. "Zoro-bro, where are you getting all this money from? Just yesterday you were poorer than my Battle Franky 30 – which I dismantled just last week by the way – and now you are as SUUPERR! as my newest Battle Franky 36!" Franky paused. "I also heard Brook was collecting panties."

Zoro took a long drink and smirked into his ale. "Aa, Brook's proud of her collection." And that was all he would say, no matter what Franky asked.

After his third visit to the mountain, Zoro wanted to know how much gold he had taken. He told Brook to borrow a measuring pan from Franky. "If he wants to know why, tell him it's for…measuring something. Corn." He waved vaguely.

When Franky saw Brook waiting in his sitting room for the measure, he came up with a plan. "I've just come up with a SUPER plan!" He struck a pose, and then hurried to the kitchen. "Robin-sis, smear the bottom of the measure with lard first!" _Now we'll see if he's really measuring corn or gold!_ Franky thought.

Franky barely spent any time in his workshop, so anxious was he to get the measure back. When Brook finally returned the measure, Franky examined the bottom, and found gold dust stuck to the bottom. "SUUPERR! So it was gold after all!" Franky said smugly. "I'll get to the bottom of this soon enough!"

Franky threatened Zoro into telling him where the gold was hidden. "I'll send for the magistrate, Chopper!"

"Yeah yeah," Zoro grumbled, annoyed (he could care less about having the magistrate know – just bribe him with cotton candy and he was off the hook). He told Franky about the bandits and the mountain. He also revealed the magic words that would open and close the cave face – but out of spite, he emphasized that the actions and exact words were necessary.

"Are you a moron?" Franky exclaimed. "You should have gotten a pair of mules, a cart, and filled it to the brim!"

The very next day, Franky took with him two mules, a cart, and set off for the forest. Once he came to the mountain face, he wiggled and twirled and shouted, "Open up, Nami-swan! I have returned!" The mountain opened and he walked inside.

Franky's eyes nearly popped out, seeing all the diamonds and rubies and gold ducats spilling everywhere. He would be able to build a hundred – no, a thousand! – Battle Frankys with this! Franky started filling the sacks he brought with him imagining different designs for new Battle Frankys, each grander than the last. He had even emptied his stomach cavity beforehand and filled that with gold now ("Ow! SUUPERR!"). When he could not fit another gold piece into the sacks, he tied them shut and shouted, "Open up, N-Nali – open mountain!" The mountain remained firmly shut, as if offended at the man who dared take out so much gold all at once. "Open!"

Franky wiggled and shouted and even tried patting the rocky face, to no avail. The mountain face remained stubbornly shut, cold and unyielding towards the impudent thief. Franky could not remember the magic words Zoro had told him. He had even forgotten the magic actions.

Suddenly, the mountain face opened and the twelve bandits stepped inside. "Thief!" The leader yelled. "Shitty pervert, how dare you steal from Nami-swan!"

"I don't want to hear that from you! And why did you give such a ridiculous name to a mountain anyways?" Franky shouted. "Ah, I mean! I can take you to the one who has been stealing your gold!"

The bandit chief delivered a roundhouse kick that sent Franky crashing violently into the wall. The bandits laughed and gathered round, heaping gold and jewels on top until the blue-haired man could not move. "Now you have all the gold you want. Enjoy your new fortune." The leader turned away and did a quick wiggle, apologizing profusely to the air around him. "Ahh~ Nami-swan! I'll never let another lout touch your precious treasures! I'll bring back ten times the amount that was lost to make up for it!"

That night, when Franky did not return, Zoro knew he should not return to Nami Mountain (he figured it was more trouble than it was worth anyways – the damn mountain kept moving). He took the remaining gold and invested in a small dojo, and in time, he became rich enough to take care of his dead brother's family as well as his own.

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**  
A/N:** Bah. Reviews, comments, suggestions much appreciated. :D Next up is _Hansel and Gretel_.


	3. Robin and Brook

**Title:** Robin and Brook**  
Rating:** T**  
Pairings:** None…Zoro/Luffy if you squint?**  
Warning:** Incest…sort of. 3 And overly excessive 'yohoho'-ing from Brook. xD**  
Summary:** It's Hansel and Gretel…except it's not.**  
Disclaimer:** One Piece and this particular version of Hansel and Gretel belong to Eiichiro Oda and the Brothers Grimm respectively. Nothing is mine, except maybe the horrendous twists I may or may not put into the story.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a poor woodcutter who lived at the edge of the forest with his wife and two children, Robin and Brook. But they were so poor that eventually, the woodcutter found that he could not afford to feed his family.

"What should I do, Zo~ro?" Luffy asked. "I'm hungry, you're hungry, I'm famished, Robin and Brook are probably hungry, and I'm starving!" He slumped over the table. "And what's worse, we only have a crust of bread left!"

Zoro leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling nonchalantly. "Ditch'em in the forest." Zoro suggested. "They're smart; Robin'll find a way to survive, and Brook…well, he's not much more than bones to begin with."

Unbeknownst to Zoro, Robin had been listening in on their conversation. She uncrossed her arms, and the ear on Zoro's back disappeared. She silently waited until the couple had gone to bed, and then ran to look out the window into their garden, where numerous white pebbles lay. "Seis Fleur," she murmured.

Early the next morning, Luffy declared a forest exploration trip, and took Robin and Brook deep into the forest. Halfway through the day, he spotted a peculiar bird, and forgetting Zoro's warnings on not to stray, took off after it. "Awesome! Hey bird, wait!"

But Robin had left a trail of shining white pebbles. "Not to worry," she assured Brook. "I've laid a trail of pebbles for us to follow back to the cottage."

Luffy was ecstatic to see Robin and Brook again. "See, Zoro? I told you they would come back!"

"The point is for them _not_ to come back!" Zoro hissed. He pinched Luffy's cheek and tugged. "This time, I'll take them into the forest."

"But you'll get lost!"

Zoro glowered at Luffy. "I do not get _lost_. The cottage just keeps moving."

Robin was surprised when they were led into the forest again at the end of the week. She had not picked up any pebbles this time. Thinking quickly, she tore and dropped pieces off the bread she had been given for dinner. Unfortunately, Zoro's course was so erratic and crossed back on itself so many times she ran out of bread. And eventually, the bread trail was left far behind.

"Yohoho, how disheartening!" Brook cried. "The bread is gone, we have no trail to follow, the light is disappearing...perhaps the situation would not seem so bleak if I were to see your panties?"

Unperturbed, Robin bent to examine a mushroom. "We will find enough to eat here, musician-san. Let us go look for more, shall we?" She tossed the mushroom at Brook with a smile and headed off.

The sun was beginning to set when they came across a cottage made of gingerbread and candy. "I do believe we've stumbled onto some good fortune!" Brook said gaily. He whipped out a violin. "Let's have a song to commemorate this!"

Presently, an old, old woman hobbled out of the cottage. She had a long nose and walked with a crutch. "Welcome, dear children," she cackled. "Why don't you come inside and eat the dinner I've prepared for you instead of my house?"

"How suspicious, yohohoho!"

"Indeed, musician-san. Nagahana-kun, why don't you take off that disguise?"

The old woman paused. Suddenly, she straightened and flung off the dress and shawl, revealing a young man. "How smart of you, to see through this Great Usopp-sama's disguise! But of course, that was all part of my plan." He crossed his arms and nodded solemnly. "I made a promise to feed whoever managed to see through my disguise, yes. So please, come inside, into the Super Great Usopp-sama's house, and eat the dinner Chef Super Great Usopp-sama has made for you!"

"Nagahana-kun, your nose is not part of your costume?"

"No, the nose is real."

"Really? How interesting."

"Yohohoho! It's the strangest nose I've ever seen! Let's compose a song for it!"

"…I'll hit you."

Robin and Brook spent several days at the man's house, growing lazy and contented. Then one day, as Robin explored the house, she touched a curious mechanism that opened a secret door, revealing a room full of statues. Robin tapped one gently.

"Nagahana-kun, what –"

Usopp grabbed her and suddenly thrust her into a cage, locking it securely. He sighed and shook his head. "Ahh, I always knew you were intelligent, Robin. Now you know that I enjoy making living statues out of children, I must make you into one too."

"I was merely going to ask what material you used."

"Eh?! U-Uh, well, now you'll be part of my statue collection! And you!" Usopp whirled, pointing a finger at Brook. "You'll be my servant and obey me in everything, until it is your turn to be made into a statue!"

Usopp had Brook do everything, scrubbing the floors, polishing, and cleaning, from daybreak to late at night. ("Yohoho! He's working me to the bone!") And Usopp tested out different types of clay, grumbling and muttering about the quality.

Finally, Usopp had obtained the clay he wanted. "Fetch the floor covering and a couple buckets of water," he told Brook. "When you've done that, get ready the oven."

Trembling, Brook ran to obey him. But when it came time to light the oven, he protested the door was too heavy. "You see, I have no muscles! In fact, I'm nothing more than bones! Skull Joke! Yohohoho!"

Usopp shot Brook a dirty look and stalked over to light it himself. Then he went back to preparing the clay. Eventually, he set aside a bucket of thoroughly mixed clay and turned to the second. Brook eyed the bucket, wondering if he dared to carry out the plan he thought of. _'I must'_, he told himself.

Steeling himself, he crept to the finished bucket, lifted it silently, and heaved it over the young man's head. Quickly dropping it on top of his head, Brook picked up Usopp's ever-present Kabuto and clanged it on the bucket. Usopp dropped like a stone, his body twitching occasionally. Brook ran to the next room, where he knew the key to the cage was kept, and set Robin free.

"Yohoho! Let us escape now, before he comes to!"

Robin smiled. "Let's take some of the food and ale with us first. I daresay we'll need it."

So before they left, they filled a bag full of food from the pantry. Then they walked into the forest, wandering for what seemed like miles before they came to a large field.

"Oh my," Brook exclaimed. "What shall we do now?"

As Brook spoke, a magnificent stag stepped out of the trees. At the sight of the animal, Brook whipped out his violin and played a sweet melody to tempt it over. The stag raised its head and stepped closer, but stopped a couple feet away from them, eyeing them warily. "Yoho~ We don't harm you."

To their surprise, the stag spoke. "I don't trust humans."

"But such a magnificent creature such as you…"

"Compliments won't get you anywhere, bitch!" The stag tossed its head and pranced sideways, looking pleased.

"Your horns are a glory to behold, Mr…?"

"Chopper. Tony Tony Chopper."

"Chopper-san. And your coat is beautiful. Won't you be so kind as to carry us across?"

Chopper pranced and danced and giggled a little before bobbing his head shyly at them. "O-Okay. Just this once!"

"That's all I ask for, Chopper-san. Thank you."

The stag bounded effortlessly across the field. When they reached the other side, Robin thanked Chopper again, and they bid him farewell, before continuing through the forest.

To their surprise, they soon came to a part of the forest they recognized, and upon turning a bend, they saw their own cottage. It was barely a second since they emerged from the trees before Luffy bounded out of the cottage with shouts of joy and rocketed himself violently into them. Zoro followed at a more sedate pace, but still clearly glad to see them again.

Robin had privately thought that Luffy was happy to see the food and Zoro the ale, but she felt that it was the thought that counted.

**

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A/N:** I know Usopp's supposed to be the witch, but I had accidentally written everyone else in their original genders, so I figured it would be best to keep Usopp his own gender too, rather than only have him genderswapped. xD Next is _The Three Feathers_! Comments, reviews, and suggestions are much appreciated!


	4. The Three Feathers

**Title:** The Three Feathers**  
Rating:** T**  
Pairings:** implied Zoro/Luffy (I couldn't help myself! xD)**  
Warning:** Copious amounts of swearing from Sanji.**  
Summary:** The king has decided to retire and spend time with his lovely ladies instead, and decides to set some tasks to his three sons to see who will inherit the throne. Usopp makes another appearance as main character!**  
Disclaimer:** One Piece and The Three Feathers belong to Eiichiro Oda and the Brothers Grimm respectively. Nothing is mine, except maybe the horrendous twists I may or may not put into the story. The theme song for Sogeking also doesn't belong to me. xD

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Once upon a time, there was a king named Sanji who had three sons. None of his sons were particularly intelligent, each of them less intelligent than the last. The youngest was such a chronic liar that he was named Usopp.

When King Sanji reflected on the total hours of the day he had to spend with the ladies, he realized that due to all the responsibilities the crown held, he had not nearly enough time. So he decided to set his three sons some difficult task and award his kingdom to the winner.

One morning, Sanji took his three sons outside the castle and told them he would award his kingdom to the one who could bring him the most exotic animal in the world. Then he blew three feathers into the air. One feather flew to the east, and Sanji told his eldest son, Luffy, to follow it. One feather flew to the west, and Sanji told his second son, Brook, to follow it. But the third feather merely dropped down to the floor. This was Usopp's feather, and he could hardly hide his disappointment.

In fact, he did not hide it at all.

"Oi, Sanji! My feather didn't go anywhere! Sanji!"

Sanji ignored his youngest son in favour of twirling and singing praises to the ladies that surrounded him ("Mellorine! Mellorine!"). Usopp glared at Sanji, and then stared forlornly at his feather, muttering to himself. As he stared at it, he realized it was lying on top of a trap door. He grasped the iron ring and raised the door. Seeing that the steps led downwards into the darkness, he quickly ran back to the castle for a lantern.

"Ahh, I can feel my I-can't-go-down-this-tunnel-or-I'll-die disease acting up." Usopp paced around the entrance, alternately peering down the steps and backing away. "There might be a giant mole down there that will suddenly tunnel out and attack me. Or a vicious man-eating rabbit. I'll die down there without anyone knowing, and there will be stories — _what a brave young man he was, how sad he died so young_ — they'll say." Usopp paused to peer down into the darkness again, his lantern lighting only the top steps. "How can I be afraid of such a small tunnel? Hahaha…I've been on greater adventures! I once defeated a giant bear on my own! I am the Great Sogeking! I am not afraid of anything!"

_On the Island of Snipers I was born,__  
100 shots, 100 hits,  
Lu lu la la lu~_

Usopp started down the steps, softly singing, lantern swinging, knees definitely not quivering, despite the knocking sounds.

_On a mouse's eyeball LOCK ON  
On your heart LOCK ON!_

The wall to his right quivered, and something burst forth, clawing at him. "Stop that hideous noise! Stop it, you baka! You baka! You ba! Ba!"

Usopp screamed, swinging his lantern in terror at what he perceived to be the creature's face (honestly, all he could see was a mass of red fur, and more importantly, very, _very_ long claws). The creature disappeared back into the giant hole it made, screaming half formed obscenities.

He stared at the hole in the wall. Turning stiffly away, he resumed singing, albeit shakily, resolutely aiming his lantern away from the hole.

It wasn't too long before he came to a door. Knocking gently (not fearfully, gently), Usopp was astonished to hear a voice speaking as if to a servant, bidding her to open the door. He waited fearful—patiently, until the door opened and revealed a huge Den Den Mushi sitting in the middle of a room surrounded by numerous smaller Den Den Mushi.

"Was that you making all that racket earlier?" asked the huge Den Den Mushi irritably. "Why did you come down here?"

"I seek the most exotic animal in the world," said Usopp, with a bow. He felt it safer to be most polite with what he was sure the queen of the Den Den Mushi. "I doubt I will find it here." When the Den Den Mushi Queen did not answer, he got down on his knees so that she could hear him more easily.

This seemed to please the Queen. "Very well, I am Queen Nami." She ordered one of the small Den Den Mushi attendants to fetch her a box. Usopp waited patiently and silently until the little Den Den Mushi came back. Queen Nami opened the box and withdrew a small fish tank, in which contained what seemed like a mass of clouds.

Usopp took the tank hesitantly and thanked the Den Den Mushi queen profusely. As he turned to go back to the castle, the queen spoke again.

"Wait. You have to pay for that."

"It's not free?"

"Of course not!" Queen Nami looked shocked. "That is a very rare sky fish!"

Stammering, Usopp promised to repay the queen for her help, and left to show King Sanji his exotic animal. When he entered the throne room, he found his two brothers proudly showing off the exotic animals they had acquired.

"Look! Isn't he interesting? It's a box-man-animal!" Luffy grinned, dancing around his 'animal'. The man in the box danced with him, his stubby arms and feet waving, his green afro bobbing.

"You shitty idiot, that's not even an animal!" Sanji delivered a roundhouse kick that sent both of them skidding out into the courtyard.

"Yohohoho! This is Laboon!"

"Uuooohhhh!!"

"Yohohoho!"

Sanji sent a withering stare at the two of them before turning to Usopp. "And? What have you brought?"

Usopp brought out his fish tank and fished out a curiously flat, blue fish. Sanji was amazed at its shape and light weight.

"My crown and kingdom are yours!" he exclaimed.

"Not fair!" Luffy cried, bounding up the stairs. "Give us another task!"

Sanji agreed at last, and he took them outside, and as before, blew three feathers into the air. And Usopp's feather fell, as before, onto the trap door.

Luffy cheered and made to race off in the direction of his feather. Sanji snagged the back of his shirt. "Shitty rubber idiot — I want the most exotic vehicle in the world!"

Usopp quickly fetched an intricately designed crown and a gold sceptre inlaid with rubies and diamonds before running down the steps to find the Den Den Mushi queen.

"Here to pay back your debt?" Queen Nami asked sweetly.

"Err, n-not exactly. I need the most exotic vehicle in the world!" Usopp blurted. He placed the crown and sceptre before the Den Den Mushi queen.

She examined both closely before sending for her big box. She took out what appeared to be a one-person scooter, with a white horse's head mounted on the handlebars. "This is Shiro Mokuba I, a waver, and the most exotic vehicle in the world." She placed it back in the box. "But you can't have it. Due to interest, your debt has risen – "In the matter of minutes?!" Usopp squawked – and this crown and sceptre cannot pay for both the fish and the waver. You can however, afford the Karasumaru." Nami took out a 2-person boat, with a black crow's head at the front, and a pink umbrella shading the seats.

When Usopp presented his Breath Dial powered boat, King Sanji had no doubts his was the most exotic in the world. But his elder sons disagreed.

"Mine is amazing! It has a shark's face painted on it!"

"It's just the head of a train, you shitty rubber idiot!" Luffy was sent skidding out into the courtyard again.

"Yohoho! Sanji, what about mine?"

"Yours is just a paddleboat with a sheep's head on the front!" Brook followed Luffy.

Unfazed, the two of them jumped back up and demanded a third task. They then promised to put their whole hearts into the task. Weary of the whole ordeal, Sanji agreed and blew three more feathers into the air.

"You shitty bastards better get it right this time. Bring me the most exotic woman in the world!"

"Ahh, I wonder if Queen Nami can help me this time?" Usopp wondered as he hurried down the steps to see her.

"You still have debt remaining," Nami told Usopp.

Usopp thumped his head against the wall. "But I need the most exotic woman in the world!"

Nami raised a brow. She lifted a cyan-coloured Den Den Mushi and paced it on a long red carrot harnessed to six brown mice. "This is your most exotic girl in the world." Nami ignored the indignant screech from the small Den Den Mushi. "You can have her for free, as a gift. Go above ground and wait for her there. She will follow you."

Usopp glanced suspiciously at the little blue Den Den Mushi before leaving. To his astonishment, a beautiful red and gold coach drawn by six fine horses awaited him. The door of the coach slammed open to reveal what was definitely a man, dressed in an open Hawaiian shirt and blue speedos.

"Yo, Long Nose-bro!"

"You—What—But—!!"

"That's why it was free of charge, Long Nose-bro. Come on; let's go up to the castle."

Usopp returned to find Sanji fighting with a green-haired man.

"Luffy! What part of his shitty marimo looks like a woman to you?!"

"But I promised to put my whole heart into it, and Zoro was more interesting than the others I saw!"

"Yohohoho! Maybe Robin here is more to your liking?"

"Ahh, Robin-chwan! Your beauty is a balm to my soul!"

"Yo, San—ah, no, King-bro! I'm Franky! SUUPAH!"

"For god's sake, make your man put on some pants, Usopp!"

"He's not my man! The only thing he is, is my _mistake_!"

"Illegitimate child?" Robin enquired, smiling.

"Like hell!"

The door to the throne room banged open, and a slim, orange-haired girl strode in. "Hi! I'm so sorry I'm late. I am who Usopp was supposed to bring back. I'm Nami!"

"Q-Qu—Nami?!"

"Nee-chan?!"

"Aaa~ahh! Nami-swan! You brighten the room like no other! You are my sun, like Robin-chwan is my moon!"

"Yohoho! May I perhaps see your panties?"

"Sanji-kun, I'm a little weary from my travels."

"A chair for you! Usopp! How could you let a lady travel alone? And Luffy!" Sanji kicked a table into the couple in the corner, knocking them apart. "Go to your room to do that!"

"Curly brow!" Zoro growled, springing up.

"Shitty marimo!"

Franky patted Usopp's shoulder comfortingly. "Nee-chan says you still owe her 300,000 beli for the use of the coach and horses."

**

* * *

A/N:** I just realized – why are none of the girls who are supposed to marry the prince actually girls? Also, a number of other characters also made an unexpected appearance in here. -laughs- See if you can name all of them! Also, if anyone is interested in the original ending (because mine ends differently), just Google "The Three Feathers Grimm".


End file.
